The second thing you need to know is that I am planning on using my blog more as journal and way to vent my feelings, frustrations, etc. Thus, I am more likely to password protect entries because not everyone needs to know my deepest darkest secretest thoughts. If you can figure out the password, good for you. Feel free to read to your heart’s content. Do not however, and I repeat, do NOT ask me for the password. If I don’t tell you, it’s because there’s something in there that I don’t want you to read.

Day 5

CLS Class

Spent all day in CLS class. That’s ‘Combat Life Saving.’ If I pass the test tomorrow and the field eval in a few weeks, I’ll be certified to apply a tourniquet, bandage minor-moderate injuries, and a bunch of other fun stuff in a combat situation. People apparently pay a lot of money to learn some of this stuff. Not much else to say so I’m gonna get to bed.

Day 4

Logan graduated basic today, and it was his birthday. It kills me that I wasn’t there to celebrate with him and that instead I was hanging over the edge of a 50 ft wall trying not to scream. But, I discovered that DS Simmons is actually pretty cool. He was in charge of the rappel lane that I was in, and he saw how nervous/scared/anxious I was, and spent nearly ten full minutes talking about random shit to try to calm me down before he let me over the edge. Then he talked to me the entire way down the tower too. So that was pretty cool. I have bruises all over my body from today though. They’re only just starting to show, which means they’ll be really ugly tomorrow. But seriously, I have one bruise in the shape of a Swiss seat (that’s how tight it was), plus my hands are raw and bruised from gripping and climbing all day, plus a really nasty one going from my sternum to my groin from the commando crawl (which was really fun). And I have a collection of bruises from the obstacle course yesterday, so I’m just covered with bruises. And oh my gosh I’m so sore! The worst part about that is that we’ve hardly done anything! If this is what “smoking” is, then it’s easier than I expected. Not easy by any means, but I was expecting so much worse. Had MRE’s for lunch today! I got a fudge brownie and it was awesome! Anyway, fireguard shift is almost over so I’ve got to go get my count. Not to mention that you’re not technically supposed to be writing on guard…

Day 3

We did the obstacle course today. It was fun, but it felt kind of strange to be working together so closely as a team with 29 people that I just met and barely know anything about. But it was fun and we all completed it. Well, the portion that we did anyway. We could only do about half of the obstacles because it’s been raining since Monday and most of the obstacles were deemed too dangerous under the circumstances. Tomorrow we’re supposed to be doing Victory Tower (rappelling). Exciting and terrifying. But let me break down my platoon a little bit now that I understand things a little better. We are Delta company (Dragons), 2^nd platoon (Cobra Kai). We have four drill sergeants: DS Simmons (PLT SGT), DS Gadson, DS Diaz, and DS Hammond (female DS). There are 30 soldiers – 21 male, 9 female. Heath, the other guy from my recruiting station, ended up in the same platoon as me. We are split up into “battle buddy” teams,” aka, a pair of soldiers that are supposed to be basically attached at the hip. Because of the odd numbers though, there is a team of three males and a team of three females. I’m part of the three female group. My battle buddies are Manuel and Martin. They seem pretty cool. Actually, all the females seem pretty decent from what I can tell so far. And from performances at the obstacle course today, the males might not be bad either. But I guess I’ll find out. Anyway, Victory Tower tomorrow. I’m kind of excited, but kind of dreading it too. I’m not sure that I want the DS’s to know this early in the cycle that I’m terrified of heights. Not to mention that my mind is going to be in Georgia all day tomorrow. One of the biggest days of Logan’s life, and I’m gonna miss it. His 20^th birthday, and his BCT graduation. Today was his family day. If I hadn’t signed myself up for this shit, I would have seen him today. I hope Barbara hurries up with sending me some pictures as soon as she gets my address! I miss him so much. Christmas can’t get here fast enough. Anyway, fireguard in a few hours.

Day 2

So today was filled with nothing but briefings. I don’t even remember half of what I heard today. All I know is that there were some people that fell asleep and had to go visit the ‘lion’s den’ (aka, DS chill point). I was too scared to even blink, I was that tired. Those hats are scary! One minute they’re joking and laughing and acting like real people with the other DS’s, and a second later they’re smoking the piss out of some poor soul for sneezing in the middle of a briefing. It’s definitely intense. We spent most of the day in briefings and still managed to get smoked, as a platoon, at least ten times today. Our female DS, DS Hammond – she doesn’t take ANY crap from anyone. And DS Simmons is kind of frightening too. I think we have three DS, but honestly, at this point, I can’t say anything for sure. But again, very tired and I have to get up for fireguard in a few hours.

“Lioness”

BCT Journal

Fort Jackson, SC

September – December 2010

Delta Company 1-61, 2^nd platoon

“COBRA KAI”

September 27

Day 1

I’ve officially volunteered myself for hell. Reception wasn’t too bad – just a whole lot of hurry up and wait. Then this morning…wake up at 0330. Turn in linens. Chow at 0415. Finish cleaning the barracks, then go sit with your duffle bag until the bus comes to get you. It was drizzling. By 0800 we were lining up to get on the buses. By 0830 the buses were there and we were beginning to load up. That’s when things really started to get real and you could see peoples’ faces go from calm to ‘oh shit, this is really happening.’ 0908: the buses pull up outside of Delta company barracks and you hear “GET OFF MY BUS!” echoing through the air. We all stumbled off the bus trying to get our bearings (impossible, btw). A word of caution, don’t try to get your bearings when you’re being swarmed by hats. It doesn’t go over well. I really don’t remember most of the day after that. At one point we did inventory on our gear and got to call home for two minutes. I think I freaked mom out with that call because I don’t think she understood most of what I said, and I had to end it too quickly. But now I’m dead tired so I’m going to try to get some sleep. Something tells me that I’m going to need it. Oh, we got our M16’s today too. We have to take them everywhere with us. We even sleep with them right by our heads.

My husband and I are both nineteen. We married early because we’re both going into the Army and waiting until next summer to get married would make it difficult for us to be stationed together. He’s currently in boot camp and I leave in a few weeks. While he is planning on making the Army a career and staying in for twenty years, I’m unsure of how long I want to stay in. For now, my contract says three years. My thoughts for now are that if I don’t like being in the Army, I will get out after those three years, however if I decide I want to stay in, I will apply for OCS (Officer Candidate School) and continue my career as an officer rather than an enlisted soldier. By that time I will be twenty-two, going on twenty-three, which is still early enough in my life that if I don’t want to stay in, I have plenty of time to pick a new direction for my life. My husband and I do want to start a family, but not until after I’ve decided if I’m going to stay in the Army or not, so, at least three years, probably more like five. Ok, so onto the dream:

This takes place sometime in the year before my contract is over, so, about two – two and a half years from now. It’s about the time that I’m looking over the OCS application. I’m going to tell this in story format.

Characters’ names: Laura (me) and Logan (my husband).

I pulled the box out of the brown paper bag from the pharmacy. ‘Home pregnancy test,’ it said. I can’t believe I’m doing this. There’s no way I’m pregnant, I thought, shaking my head softly as I opened the box.

Fast-forward a few minutes.

My hands were trembling as I held the small object in front of me. I hadn’t heard the front door open, but there was Logan, standing in the doorway. “What’s wrong babe? You look like you just saw a ghost,” his face mirrored the concern in his voice, and as I glanced into the mirror across from me, I saw that I was indeed quite pale.  I sighed as I took one last look at the object in my hands and then handed it to him. Warily, he took it from me and as he looked at it, confusion crossed his face. “Does this mean…are you…are we…” he stammered. “We’re going to have a baby,” I whispered. His eyes went wide as he fell against the doorframe and his jaw dropped slightly, showing the shock that we were both feeling. “I know it’s earlier than we had talked about, but it’s happening,” I said softly as the first tear slid down my cheek. “Why are you crying? I know it’s a shock, but it’s nothing to be upset about. We’re going to have a baby!” His shock was quickly changing to excitement and he placed the pregnancy test on the counter before wrapping his arms around me. “I know. I know. I’m not upset per se. I’m…shocked, yes. But worried. Scared. I mean, we had a plan. I was going to apply to OCS this year. I can’t do that now…what are we going to do?” I whispered the question, burying my face in his shoulder. “We’ll figure it out. We’ll make it work. We just have to rework our plan a little,” he assured me. I nodded into his shoulder, still trying to wrap my mind around the idea that there was a tiny person growing inside of me. “I’ll call the doctor tomorrow and set up an appointment,” I told him. “Would you like me to come with you?” he asked, gently pushing my hair back behind my ear. Again, I nodded into his shoulder. I didn’t want to go to my first pregnancy appointment without him. “Call me after you’ve made the appointment and I’ll make sure I can get off work.”

Morning of the appointment:

“Good morning Mr. and Mrs. L. Go right on in. The doctor will be with you in a moment.”

I took my place sitting on the end of the examining table while Logan paced the room. “Would you stop that? You’re making me nervous,” I requested softly, reaching my hand out to him. He smiled, took my hand, and came to stand next to me, stroking my hair softly as we waited the last few moments for the doctor.

One urine test and a handful of questions later, we were ready for my first sonogram. ‘Just to make sure everything is going well in the beginning,’ the doctor assured me. “There we go. Not much to see right now, but it looks like you’re about four to five weeks along,” he said with a smile, pointing to a small area on the screen. I heard Logan’s deep exhale over my shoulder and wondered how long he’d been holding his breath. “That’s our baby,” he whispered to me, his warm breath on my neck. I turned my head to look at him and saw the amazement in his eyes as he watched the sonogram screen. Then the doctor started talking again and I slowly turned back to him. “It’s too early to say for sure, but just from my past experiences I’d say it looks like there’s a pretty good chance for twins here.” “Tw-twins,” I stuttered, looking back at the sonogram with wide eyes. “It’s a possibility. I figured it would better to warn you now rather than shock you with it later.” “Twins,” Logan whispered, still sounding just as delighted as before. “Twins Laura!” he was definitely excited. I was too, don’t get me wrong. But twins would definitely delay OCS. Maybe keep me from going all together. Leaving one child at home would be difficult enough, but two…I wasn’t sure I could do that.

Later that night I expressed my concerns to Logan and he pulled me into a bear hug. “You worry too much. If you decide that you want to stay in the Army after you have these babies, and you still want to go to OCS, we’ll make it work. Even if it means that you wait for a few years until you’re more comfortable with leaving them at daycare. Yes, it’s going to put a delay in our immediate plans, but we’ll make it work. I promise. And if you decide that you’d rather be a stay-at-home mom, or go back to school and pursue a different kind of career, that’s fine too. It’ll be completely up to you, but whatever it is, we will make it work. Don’t worry so much. We’re having a baby. Maybe two. Be happy! This was already part of our plans, it’s just a little sooner than we had expected.”

Over the next few days my thoughts were focused on my pregnancy and nothing more. Over dinner one night I brought up an idea to Logan. “Now, this may just be a passing phase I’m going through, and it may have come about when my cousin was having her twins and my mom and sisters and I got to talking about the fact that she didn’t want to know their genders. But I was thinking about it, and it could be kind of fun to keep the genders a surprise until these kids are actually born. I mean, if we are having twins, then knowing the genders would make it way too easy to go all matchy-matchy with everything. But if we don’t know the genders, then we could go with a neutral theme or color scheme for the nursery and get outfits for them that may match, but at least be in different colors, whereas if we knew we were having two girls, we might be tempted to get them exactly the same things. What do you think?” He thought for a moment before answering, “that could be fun actually. But what if we’re only having one?” “Maybe we find out the gender if we’re only having one, because with one, we’re not in danger of matching them to anyone else.” “Sounds good. So if we’re having one, we’ll find out the gender. If we’re having two, we’ll keep it a surprise,” he clarified, and I could see him thinking over the idea and becoming more accepting of it. “We can go ahead and start brainstorming nursery ideas. You know, boy themes, girl themes, neutral themes, color schemes,” I suggested, suddenly remembering that the guest bedroom was going to be turned into the nursery; A new project that would hopefully take my mind off of the delayed OCS application. “How about we work on that this weekend after we call everyone?”

Fast-forward a few weeks.

“Good morning. Ready for your second sonogram?”

“Yes I am,” I said with a smile, lightly squeezing Logan’s hand. “Alright, well then let’s see what we’ve got here,” the doctor said, turning the sonogram screen so that Logan and I could see it better. “There are definitely two babies in there. Congratulations, you’re having twins, and everything looks to be in order,” he smiled. “Twins!” Logan and I exclaimed together. Now we were both excited. “Doctor, we’ve decided that we don’t want to know the genders. We’ll keep that a surprise,” Logan informed the doctor. “That’s fine. We’ll just call them babies A and B then.”

So now I can’t help but wonder if this dream was born of the discussion at my sister’s house over the weekend (because my cousin is just about ready to have her twins and we actually DID talk about whether we would want to know the genders of our children before they were born), or if it’s a glimpse of the future. As much as I don’t believe in precognition and that sort of thing, it was just one of those dreams where I can’t help but wonder. There are a few things that I will say if this WAS a glimpse of the future:

1. In a couple of years, I look pretty damn good. The Army is good to me, at least as far as my appearance goes.
2. Our marriage is still going strong. The distance and difficulty of Army life has indeed strengthened our bond.
3. Fort Bragg (I’m pretty sure I saw a Bragg sign in the dream) seems pretty nice.